Preparation for The First Date

As promised from the last post, I’m going to discuss the first date. I’ve heard great stories, I’ve heard terrible stories, I’ve heard stories in between - bottom line - it ends with a “yes” or “no.” Granted, you may get a “I’m not sure, let me think about it” or “I need more time” or any other reason not to start dating, but 98% (don’t ask me why it’s 98%, it just sounded like a good number) of the time you’ll get one of two answers.

Well after taking the time to pray and think about it, if you still believe that you should ask the guy/girl out, go for it. Here’s a few pointers:

• The Preparation for GUYS - My preparation for dates has ranged anywhere from putting my pants on to making sure that every hair on my head was pointing in the direction I wanted it to (the dates where I was just worried about clothes in general didn’t really go that hot). Preparation for that first date can be nerve racking - for both guys and girls. As a very traditional guy when it comes to dates, I feel that making sure the girl has a great time can be stressful. You have to figure out what you plan on doing with the girl - do you want to go to Dairy Queen or take her out on a “mystical night full of surprises”? I personally took the second route with my fiance, although I have taken the first path as well. If your going with the laid back approach, it’s a great time to not worry and just have a blast. If your going with the super-preparation, high stress approach (which most girls find endearing), make sure you plan ahead! One of the best things I did on my first date was to hide a rose in a bush at a park the afternoon before the start of our date. When we came back to the town we go to college at, I asked her to go on a walk with me where (you guessed it) I showed her the rose.

Prepartion can go a long way when considering what the objectives of your first date experience will be! Do you want to go to Dairy Queen or take her out on a Mystical Night of Surprises? It all depends of the situation!

• Preparation for GIRLS - As a guy, I’m clearly not going to understand what goes on in a girl’s head the hours before (and even on) the first date. For the longest time I always thought the girl had the easiest job in the world when it comes to dating. I always assumed it was:

(1) Take about 5 hours to get ready for a 3 hour date.

(2) Chill out for awhile until the guy gets enough courage to actually ask you out.

(3) After the guy sweats it out, say a one word answer.

(4) Go home and go to bed.

• Oh man - was I wrong! My fiance told me that while it did take her a long time to get ready for the first date, the rest was not as stereotypical. She said that it was nerve-racking months before the first date simply because “I wasn’t making a move” (girls, perhaps you can relate to this feeling of guys not getting the hint when it comes to dating).

• Clearly I don’t know what goes into a girls “make-up routine” and frankly it doesn’t make a difference to me. If the guy truly wants to date you, he’ll date you for what’s in his heart which is exactly why you should be dating him. Before you figure out if you are going to date this guy, remember this saying:

A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man must be seeking the Lord to find it.

I pray that God may give you wisdom in discerning His will. It is easy? No, but we can always ask for wisdom and He will grant it (James 1:5). And remember - keep God as the focus of your relationship.

Being “Friends”

Here’s the tough part. You’ve made sure that you made Christ the main focus of your first impression, the next part is becoming friends.

 I’m a firm believer that being friends first is a crucial point in a lasting relationship. As a youth leader, I see relationships rise and fall all in a span of about 3 days (I’ve actually seen ones that go about 3 hours). And why is this? Because they don’t know each other well enough!! People tend to think - “Dang, that girl is the girl I’m going to marry” within 10 minutes of meeting them. Perhaps you know (or experienced) someone who is like that - think of how their dating past has gone overall. Am I saying that it is a must to become friends before dating? Not at all - however, in the long run it’s a very valuable thing to have.

During this time of getting to know one another, it’s a great opportunity to get a feel of what a relationship with this person would be like. Think about how you can carry on a conversation - is it easy? Do you feel like you’re pulling teeth to get any sort of response? One of the things I love most about my relationship with my fiance is that we can talk for hours and hours without making a huge effort to bring up topics. At times we don’t even realize how long we talk for - sometimes we talk until 2 am!

At this point in the post, I want to make clear that the “friends” stage does not end once you start dating. I simply mean the stage before you make you and that special someone “official.” My fiance and I consider each other to be best friends even though we’ve been dating for a long time.

So - why am I advocating being friends before you start dating someone? The great thing about being friends first is that you can see how they react to certain situations and their overall lifestyle. My fiance and I are extremely different in terms of hobbies, personality and desires, although we love the fact that we can still love each other dearly. We were friends for over a year before we actually started dating, and now look back on it and see how valuable of a time that was.

Don’t get me wrong, you’re not going to figure out everything about that special someone before you start dating them (boy, was I in for a few surprises once I started dating). There are going to be things that are too personal to tell friends and have to wait until you start dating - and that’s ok! Dating should be more personal!

I’m not going to suggest a time that you should be friends before dating because I feel that that is strictly a case-by-case issue. In the next post I’ll talk about the big step of actually asking that special person on a date.

Being “Friends”

Here’s the tough part. You’ve made sure that you made Christ the main focus of your first impression, the next part is becoming friends.

 I’m a firm believer that being friends first is a crucial point in a lasting relationship. As a youth leader, I see relationships rise and fall all in a span of about 3 days (I’ve actually seen ones that go about 3 hours). And why is this? Because they don’t know each other well enough!! People tend to think - “Dang, that girl is the girl I’m going to marry” within 10 minutes of meeting them. Perhaps you know (or experienced) someone who is like that - think of how their dating past has gone overall. Am I saying that it is a must to become friends before dating? Not at all - however, in the long run it’s a very valuable thing to have.

During this time of getting to know one another, it’s a great opportunity to get a feel of what a relationship with this person would be like. Think about how you can carry on a conversation - is it easy? Do you feel like you’re pulling teeth to get any sort of response? One of the things I love most about my relationship with my fiance is that we can talk for hours and hours without making a huge effort to bring up topics. At times we don’t even realize how long we talk for - sometimes we talk until 2 am!

At this point in the post, I want to make clear that the “friends” stage does not end once you start dating. I simply mean the stage before you make you and that special someone “official.” My fiance and I consider each other to be best friends even though we’ve been dating for a long time.

So - why am I advocating being friends before you start dating someone? The great thing about being friends first is that you can see how they react to certain situations and their overall lifestyle. My fiance and I are extremely different in terms of hobbies, personality and desires, although we love the fact that we can still love each other dearly. We were friends for over a year before we actually started dating, and now look back on it and see how valuable of a time that was.

Don’t get me wrong, you’re not going to figure out everything about that special someone before you start dating them (boy, was I in for a few surprises once I started dating). There are going to be things that are too personal to tell friends and have to wait until you start dating - and that’s ok! Dating should be more personal!

I’m not going to suggest a time that you should be friends before dating because I feel that that is strictly a case-by-case issue. In the next post I’ll talk about the big step of actually asking that special person on a date.

Incorporating Christ into the First Impression

One of the first things I notice about Christian men when approaching a woman is that they try to act “tough.” I’ll admit, I am guilty of lowering my voice, puffing out my chest and even trying to wear a shirt that makes me look better. This is fine, however, I’ve noticed with a number of men that by being “tough”, you often forget about Christ.

I lead a Senior High Youth Group and often am amazed at the ways some of my kids approach the opposite sex. I once had a kid who actually told two girls he needed more time to decide which one he was going to date because he wasn’t sure! Are you kidding me?! (The girls were wise and neither one dated him).

Going back to my last post, having Christ at the center of your relationship means that you must have Him at the center from the first time you talk to someone. Do not try and “be cool” by lowering your standards. I’ve often found that women are opposed to this approach and can usually (if not always) tell if you are not acting like you really are.

If you are approaching a young Christian woman, treat her like a young Christian woman - not as “another thing to be conquered.” Be yourself, look to Scriptures and you’ll be well on your way to dating that young girl.

The First Encounter

As humans, it’s easy to look at a guy or girl and think of things that would not be classified as “Godly.” You may have a certain someone picked out that you want to know but are terrified to even approach. I’ve been there (such as my fiance!).

I’m not going to list out techniques, because I strongly feel that people should do what they feel. One of the biggest mistakes I see people make is not being themselves when meeting someone they want to date. What’s the point of this?! Do we think that we’re going to change our entire personality for the sake of their approval?! I would hope not!

One of my favorite movies on this topic is Hitch. Hitch is a movie about a man (Will Smith) who is a “dating consultant.” While his techniques are very good and often successful, in the end he finds out that simply being yourself is the best way to a person’s heart - not a huge amount of planning.

So - bottom line - BE YOURSELF!!