Learning to Fight Fair

It happens to the best couples around the world. It is simply unavoidable. Can you guess what it is? If you guessed fighting then you’re right. While fighting may mean a bunch of different things, I’m talking about verbal altercations that can cause stress on your relationship. This touchy subject can cause huge problems for your relationship if not handled properly. Couples tell me all the time how they “fight constantly” and they don’t think that they can continue in their relationship. This is always a tough topic to handle, but I’ll let you know tips that have worked for me. So - if, (or should I say when), a fight is coming, what should you do?

Figure out a time that works for both of you - I am a morning person while my fiance is a night owl. I can’t tell you the number of times when she wants to start a “serious” conversation around 12:15 in the morning. Likewise, I occassionally push for doing our “serious” talks early in the morning. So, in an attempt to ease our time preferences, we try and talk in the afternoon or early evening - it works great!

State the EXACT problem - This one is really important. I have had many problems with my fiance because we’re talking about two different things! Chances are this will happen to you if you don’t let each other know what’s going on. If you walk in the room and start blasting the other person, do you think they are going to know what’s going on?

Stay focused on the topic -I have found it best to tackle one issue at a time. You may have multiple issues that you have to talk about, but try and focus on talking through one of them before you get to the next one. Typically if you try and let your partner know “everything” that is on your mind in one sentence, they may feel overwhelmed and not be willing to talk.

Take a step back - This one is important especially for those people who like to get fired up about some things. I know that if my fiance and I are fighting about something, I like to look at the big picture. “Is this problem really going to make me stressed out all day?” Chances are it’s something random that won’t affect your relationship in the long run. Of course there are issues that can cause HUGE problems in the relationship (an example would be having an affair), but it is still important to realize why you are in love with that person.

Don’t think that there has to be  a “winner” and a “loser” - If there was a contest between who was the “winner” and who was the “loser” in my relationship, my fiance would win consistently. She was on the speech and debate team in high school, which makes our discussions much more interesting. Sometimes she’ll say something and I’m completely floored - I have no idea what to say. It’s OK if there isn’t a “winner” and “loser” - sometimes you have to make compromises and that’s a great way to strengthen a relationship.

Avoid generalizations - If you look across the internet about fighting, this one comes up constantly. You shouldn’t use words such as “never” or “always” when discussing an issue. Using these words just cause more problems since the person may go on the defensive and say something wrong about you. Along with this point, DO NOT bring up issues from the past. This is a great way to kill the conversation!

Most of all - PRAY - This one is HUGE. I can’t stress the importance of praying through an argument. I will occassionally pray for wisdom in my arguments with my fiance. Sometimes after the conversation is over, I’ll think about it and realize that God had to have guided that conversation. Pray for wisdom and God will grant it:

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. James 1:5

Look to God in all your discussions - not just the ones that cause arguments!

God Bless!

Pulling off the Double Date

At some point during your life, chances are you will go on a double date. Usually it’s two really good friends that happen to have boyfriend/girlfriend’s and want to do something together. Can it be awkward? - Oh yeah - but I’m giving you some tips on how to make it a great (or average if you are in that much trouble) night for the four of you.

My fiance and I love going on double dates. There’s something great about going out with people who can relate to what you’re going through and laugh about things that another couple would understand. My fiance and I typically go on a double date at least twice a week with different couples. I’ve found that there are some things that work great and then there are things that turn out to be horrendous.

Things to keep in mind:

1. Figure out where the four of you will go BEFORE you get together -This would seem like common sense, but I’ve been on double dates when all of us stand around asking each other what to do. This usually lasts for awhile until it’s too late to actually do anything. Ask the other couple where they like to eat, where they like to go, etc. You don’t have to have an exact plan, but get a general idea of what you want to do before you get together! 
2. Don’t forget that you’re still on a date - This one is HUGE - especially for all you guys. I’ve seen guys who think that since they are with other people they don’t have to act like Christian men who love their girlfriend’s. Guys - keep opening doors, pay for meals and speak highly of your girlfriend - just because you are out with another couple doesn’t mean that you should stop doing these things!
3. Don’t feel like you have to always include the other couple in every point of the conversation - I know some people are reading this and wondering what I’m talking about, but it really does make sense. It’s OK at times to look to your boyfriend/girlfriend and say something. It will give the other couple an opportunity to talk themselves - remember - BOTH couples are on a date, so it’s nice to do something alone.
4. Show up on time - This one drives me nuts. I’m a very punctual person, and so when the other couple shows up late it can really start things off on a bad note. You especially don’t want to show up late if some people don’t know each other!
5. Be relaxed - Sometimes I feel as if you need to give the impression that your relationship is perfect between you and your boyfriend/girlfriend. I quickly learned that all couples are not perfect and chances are they are dealing with some of the same issues as the two of you!
6. Be yourself - This is a big one. I’ve been on double dates where it’s like the guy I know just turned into some crazy kid. Don’t try and be someone you’re not because chances are people will know.
7. Don’t show too much PDA - For all of you who don’t know, PDA is short for “public display of affection.” This is a big one. I’ve been on dates where it seems like the other couple is all over each other. That may be fine for the two of you, but it may make the other couple feel awkward (especially if they just started dating!).
8. Stay away from “personal” topics - By personal I mean things that can cause a huge division between the four of you. These could be anywhere from politics to abortion (I’m definitely Pro-Life but you never know about other people). Also, try not to bring up “inside jokes” that only you and your boyfriend/girlfriend know about. You wouldn’t want the other couple to do that - so you shouldn’t either!
9. Don’t forget about God - Once again - you’d assume that this would be common sense on a double date between two Christian couples, but I’ve seen people who seem to forget this fact. You should still pray before meals, and can even talk about what is going on at your church. Simply talking about your church (if the other couple attends there as well) is a great conversation starter and can lead to great discussion!

Apply these tips and you’ll be well on your way to pulling off a successful double date. As with everything posted on this site, use judgment when figuring out how to personalize the date. Who knows, you may have found a couple that you become great friends with!

Make Sure To Say “I Love You!”

“I love you.” Three syllables that can change the dynamic of a relationship. With thousands and thousands of words in the English language, it’s amazing how important these three words are in a Christian relationship.

I remember these three words were the most scary thing I could say to my fiance at one point. No joke - around the beginning of our relationship I once told her “Wow, I really, really, really LIKE you.” Of course we both knew that we wanted to say it, but we weren’t at that point in our relationship. After we went back home, she wrote me an email and then thought it’d be funny to sign her name:

Like,

Lauren

I’m not going to lie, I didn’t find it very funny at first (now I think it’s hysterical).

I can tell you first hand that these three words do not exactly flow off your toungue like any other words! Once you do get them out of your mouth, it’s crucial to constantly remind each other of this fact!

The first time I said “I love you” to my fiance was a winter night as we were dealing with some difficult issues. We both realized that while we were not having the best night together, we couldn’t imagine spending our time with anyone else (there were other reasons too!). To this day, I still remember the look she had on her face (I’m sure I had the same one on my face) when I told her I loved her. She first responded by saying “really?” and then after I assured her that I did, it was like the sun had come out! Ever since that night, we make sure to let each other know that we love them every single day.

Am I saying that you need to say “I love you” every hour, on the hour? Not at all - just make sure that you say those three words every day. I once heard a story about a man who was asked if he remembered all the times he went to church. Since he’d been going to church for so long he clearly responded by saying “no.” He then proceeded to tell the other man that even though he couldn’t remember all the church services, he also couldn’t remember all the meals that his wife had cooked him over the many years of their marriage. The fact that he couldn’t remember the meals doesn’t mean that he didn’t need them! This same principle is applied with saying “I love you” on a regular basis. You’re not going to remember every time they say “I love you”, but it’s always so encouraging!

Don’t think that you can only say “I love you” verbally! While actually saying it to them speaks volumes, you can show them that you love them through actions. There are countless websites out there on how to say “I love you” in a meaningful way. I actually found a website that listed “1001 ways to say I love you” - that’s right 1001. I can’t imagine how long that must have taken to write out!

Simply by writing a small note, surprising them, or giving them something they enjoy says “I love you.” Be creative - every relationship is different!

Make Sure To Say “I Love You!”

“I love you.” Three syllables that can change the dynamic of a relationship. With thousands and thousands of words in the English language, it’s amazing how important these three words are in a Christian relationship.

I remember these three words were the most scary thing I could say to my fiance at one point. No joke - around the beginning of our relationship I once told her “Wow, I really, really, really LIKE you.” Of course we both knew that we wanted to say it, but we weren’t at that point in our relationship. After we went back home, she wrote me an email and then thought it’d be funny to sign her name:

Like,

Lauren

I’m not going to lie, I didn’t find it very funny at first (now I think it’s hysterical).

I can tell you first hand that these three words do not exactly flow off your toungue like any other words! Once you do get them out of your mouth, it’s crucial to constantly remind each other of this fact!

The first time I said “I love you” to my fiance was a winter night as we were dealing with some difficult issues. We both realized that while we were not having the best night together, we couldn’t imagine spending our time with anyone else (there were other reasons too!). To this day, I still remember the look she had on her face (I’m sure I had the same one on my face) when I told her I loved her. She first responded by saying “really?” and then after I assured her that I did, it was like the sun had come out! Ever since that night, we make sure to let each other know that we love them every single day.

Am I saying that you need to say “I love you” every hour, on the hour? Not at all - just make sure that you say those three words every day. I once heard a story about a man who was asked if he remembered all the times he went to church. Since he’d been going to church for so long he clearly responded by saying “no.” He then proceeded to tell the other man that even though he couldn’t remember all the church services, he also couldn’t remember all the meals that his wife had cooked him over the many years of their marriage. The fact that he couldn’t remember the meals doesn’t mean that he didn’t need them! This same principle is applied with saying “I love you” on a regular basis. You’re not going to remember every time they say “I love you”, but it’s always so encouraging!

Don’t think that you can only say “I love you” verbally! While actually saying it to them speaks volumes, you can show them that you love them through actions. There are countless websites out there on how to say “I love you” in a meaningful way. I actually found a website that listed “1001 ways to say I love you” - that’s right 1001. I can’t imagine how long that must have taken to write out!

Simply by writing a small note, surprising them, or giving them something they enjoy says “I love you.” Be creative - every relationship is different!

Do Opposites Really Attract?

When you think about opposites, you usually think of things like “night and day”, “life and death”, or maybe even the Red Sox and Yankees. Have you ever thought that couples can be opposites? My relationship is living proof that opposites DO attract.

Some of you may be reading this because you are in the “friendship” stage and aren’t sure if your differences will prevent you from dating. Some of you may be reading this because you are in the first stages of your relationship and aren’t quite sure if you should work through your differences or simply throw in the towel. Some of you may even being reading this because you are in a long-term relationship and want assurance about your differences. No matter why you are reading this post, I can assure you that just because you and your boyfriend/girlfriend are different doesn’t mean that your relationship won’t work!

You may be thinking, “You don’t understand - I am totally different from this person I’m in love with!” I can honestly say that my fiance and I are pretty much opposites in most every topic. We like to joke that the only thing that is similar between the two of us is that we have two arms and speak English. Granted, that is an extreme exaggeration, but when we are trying to make decisions, it feels that way sometimes! To give you an example of how opposite we are, we once went to Lowe’s and walked around looking for things to put into our future home. I think we looked at about 50 items and agreed on around 6. Common sense tells you that we have a long road ahead of us when it comes to making decisions, however, we tend to look at our differences as a blessing.

I remember when my fiance and I started dating how fast our differences were catching up to us. I preferred the polo shirts while she preferred the hoodies (PLEASE don’t base your relationship on how the other person dresses!). I tended to swing Republican while she agrees with Democrats. I can’t stand dogs, she loves them and wants them in the future (I’m still working on accepting that one…). I love cats, she’s allergic to them. As you can see, we didn’t have many things going for us! We quickly realized that even though we had these glaring differences, we had one thing going for us…

The thing that we did have going for us was our FAITH. That’s right, since this is a Christian dating blog, it’s important to note just how important faith can be in a relationship. You’ll be amazed at how the other things don’t really matter that much once you base your relationship around Christ and His plans. Am I saying that if you both are Christians and believe the same things that life won’t be hard? No - you’ll still have to make some very difficult decisions (the fact that you can come to God in prayer helps in those decisions!), but it’s such a blessing to know that the “important” things are agreed on.

If you are still in the friendship stage wondering if you should pursue a dating relationship, a basic question to ask is “do I like spending time with this person?” I know people who have the same interests as me, however, we usually don’t spend time together because it’s no fun talking to them! Differences can be a great thing in relationships! Why would you want to date someone exactly like yourself?!

If you are thinking about throwing in the towel of your new relationship, ask yourself where the relationship is headed. Do you see yourself getting married to this person while glorifying God in all you do? If your boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t a Christian and you are, it’s going to be tough to make your relationship succeed and therefore you should end the relationship (I’m a strong beliver that BOTH people in the relationship must be Christians). I realize that may be tough for some of you to hear, but it is so much more important to date a Christian and follow God’s plan than risk losing the intensity of your faith as a result of a boy or girl. If you are glorifying God and are content with your relationship, then by all means continue dating that person!

Once again, I can’t stress the importance of keeping God in the center of your relationship. It’s a given that you and your partner will have differences - no two people are exactly alike. It’s how you deal with those differences that make a successful relationship. If you are struggling with the direction of your relationship, talk to God about it, ask for wisdom and do your best to listen to Him!

Being Supportive In Your Relationship

Every once in awhile you’ll find that you need to give your boyfriend/girlfriend some extra support. A random “I love you” or small note can make their day so much better when things look bad. They may be sick, have a bad day at work or have family problems. All of these issues can leave them hurting and needing someone to be there for them - that’s where you as the boyfriend/girlfriend come in!

My fiance was recently sick with a nasty head cold that kept her in bed most of the day. I remember feeling like I wanted to miraculously cure her cold and make it better. It was terrible having to watch her suffer through this cold and all I could do was to “just be there.” I remember leaving her for the night with the assumption that she would call me the next day if she wanted to go to church or choose to stay in bed. After a restless night, she called me the next morning telling me that she felt even worse than she did the night before!

Since we had to lead youth group that night, she was going to try and rest all morning and afternoon in an attempt to gain enough energy for the meeting. Once it was time to go, she could barely make it to the car - much less lead a youth group! We told the other leaders to head out to the meeting while I decided to take her to get medicine. After getting medicine (I probably got more than she actually needed) I returned to her in the car and then took her back home to get her tucked in. I set out her medicine, started a movie for her and then sadly had to leave for youth group.

After worrying through the youth group meeting about how she was doing, I finally had the chance to see her again after the meeting. She told me how wonderful of a husband I will be! I remember thinking - why?! She proceeded to tell me that I was so supportive of her and it made her feel so much more comfortable! The strange thing about this whole incident is that I didn’t do it for recognition, I just wanted her to feel better and was willing to do whatever I could for that to happen!

Clearly there are going to be times that you need to be supportive other than when someone is sick. The ways you can be supportive vary across a wide spectrum. Do something that you know the other person will appreciate, but don’t do it for your own recognition - do it because you love them and want them to feel better!

The Bible talks about being supportive in many instances. As noted in 1 Corinthians 13, love is paramount when it comes to successful relationships. I personally find verses 4-7 useful when looking how to show love in Christian relationships:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres.”

This is typically a famous passage on love and for good reasons! Those are some strong words that the Apostle Paul is talking about in this passage! Of the many ways love is described, note how love does not boast, is not self-seeking and always protects. I feel that these three points are crucial when being supportive of your boyfriend/girlfriend.

As a general rule, you should not be boasting to your friends and family that you are being supportive, you should be supportive out of love! It’s easy to feel like you are doing it for recognition instead of doing it out of love for your boyfriend/girlfriend. Be creative when you are being supportive, just don’t boast about it! Along with boasting, I feel that self-seeking can also be a problem when being supportive. As mentioned before, sometimes you want the recognition of being supportive! In terms of protecting, make sure that your life is glorifying to God and is not making your boyfriend/girlfriend’s life harder due to temptation!

Bottom line, being supportive means doing the right things out of LOVE. Just being there during a rough day is being supportive. Writing a note saying how much you love them is being supportive. Get creative, you don’t have to do something “traditional” to be a supportive boyfriend/girlfriend. If you think that they would appreciate it, then do it out of love!